As some of may be aware, I have actually started working again this week, at an actual job, as an employee of a company -- well, sort of.

Last week, I got a call from a survey company in Renton (Kennydale, to be specific), and they wanted me to come in and work for a few days on a trial basis. My first day was Monday, and today, obviously, was day three. I'm still not sure what's going on exactly, which is to say I'm not yet officially hired on as a permanent employee, but at the same time, I don't know how I Woudn't be, at this point.

I guess the decision is as much mine as it is theirs, and I'm not sure how to feel about all this. I would be lying if I said I didn't have any doubt or hesitation about jumping back into surveying. I really wonder if I'm making a smart choice with my life right now, or just setting myself up for something I'm going to grow tired of, start to hate, and quit suddenly in a few months.

I just feel tremendously unsettled...

I've been going through a weird range of emotions, I'm not sure how to explain them... or maybe I'm just being melodramatic and over-reacting... probably both...
a) I have my doubts about this company and some of the people I may be working for, although it may be getting better, I guess I'll have to see...
b) I'm realizing just how much I pissed away a good job with a good company and a good opportunity with OTAK back in the summer of '01. I really can't explain what the fuck was wrong with me in those months, its kind of pissing me off. I guess I just regret what went down, all that stupid shit I did... I'm not sure what to say about it...
c) I'm realizing how much I really miss working with some of the people from those OTAK days. This is somewhat surprising to me, but I think I'm beginning to understand it now.

I've always maintained that those people who claim they have "no regrets" are totally full of shit. We don't regret what we Have done, necessarily, but what we Didn't do, and what we missed -- i.e. what opportunities or experiences we didn't have because of something we did. Now that I'm back in "the business" I guess a lot of that regret is flooding to the surface, along with that aforementioned doubt.

but... it's been 18 god-damn months since I've held a "real" job, so maybe I just need to get my ass in gear...