well, here's a story hot off the wire from the Ambiguously Disgruntled Publishing News Desk:

Insolent Man Removed by Alaska Air Goon Squad

In a scene described as "shocking" and "disturbing" by fellow hopefuls for open Alaska Airlines Ramp Agent postions, a Seattle man, Jake Reeder, was handcuffed and drug away by elite Security task force members for admitting he had smoked a few cigars in the last six months.

The harsh removal was defended by Alaska Airlines Human Resource Propaganda Agents, led by spokeswoman Amy Taut, who stated to reporters "Our severe intolerance to the use of harmful chemicals like Nicotine is designed to protect the health coverage we provide to our 11,000 special children of God. It is unfortunately a 'black or white' issue."

Reeder, described by friends as an "ambiguously disgruntled malcontent" was forcefully removed after attempting to defend his actions as "just being honest." He had shown up for one of Alaska Airlines regular open interview sessions, where applicants are stripped naked and ordered to parade through an Auschwitz-style processing line run by quota-determined ethnically, sexually, and age-diverse lederhosen-clad facilitators, armed with riding crops and tear gas.

According to witnesses, Reeder had reportedly made statements regarding his being "punsihed for honesty" because he had admitted on a sworn addidavit, signed in blood, that although he was not a regular smoker, and didn't have a Nicotine habit, he had admitted to occasional "recreational use" of Nicotine products.

"Frankly, we don't want to know what he was up to," Taut went on to say, "Our policy is clear, and we would rather be lied to by someone with a pack-a-day habit than deal with a known and admitted Nictoine user."

Alaska enforces their strict policy with urinalysis designed to detect levels of cotinine, the sole metabolic product of nicotine, which has an in-vivo half-life of 24 hours. A regular smoker can cleanse his or her system to below-tolerance levels in as short a time as a couple of days. The policy of the Airline is stated clearly in the prospective-employee handbook, in that the company is only interested in prospectees "As pure in body and mind as the freshly fallen snow. ' Virginal' is a word we like to use as our descriptor for the ideal applicant."

According to statements, Reeder's harsh removal from the proceedings was triggered by his objections to the company hiring policy, which is in direct contradiction to the "Ravage Your Lungs" policy which is mandatory for all probationary Alaska Airlines Ramp Agents.

"Yeah, I was more or less forced to smoke on all my breaks," recalls a Ramp Agent for Alaska, who wished to withhold his name. "I was shocked at first, then I just sort of went with it, seeing as how I'd smoked the Lucky in my pack of Camels right before the group interview. I just lied about my Nicotine abuse all day and somehow delayed my wiz quiz until a couple days later."

Another man, according to some sources, was brought in as a new hire to the ramp, and forced to take up smoking. "He got into a lot of trouble with his fiancee, who happened to work at the Ticket Counter, and didn't want him smoking," according to another Alaska ramp employee who wished to remain nameless. "It's funny, because he took up smoking, but only at work, and she was fired just a couple days before her six-month probationary period ended."

Faced with these allegations of Hipocrisy, Alaska Human Resources and Propaganda remained mum. "May God spite your wicked ass, degenerate motherfucker!" Taut stated when questioned, before spinning her head 360 degrees and spitting blood at the reporter.