I actually wrote this way back in September, but never posted it. Now I will.

It all started out innocently enough. I was flipping through a magazine, one of those rags they put out for men called Stuff of FHM or some shit like that. Maybe it was my mindset, typically frustrated but more so for some reason, one of those moods where your mind just automatically cuts through the fluff and right to the core. There it was on every page, jumping out at me from behind the insipid text and carefully manipulated pictures, be it adds or articles: SEX! I began to turn the pages more and more frantically, but couldn�t escape the clear and present mesasage: SEX SEX SEX!!!! It reached critical mass when I turned to an add for condoms. It showed the top of a �typical� young man�s dresser, but this one was adorned with an ornate looking trophy, not unlike a bowling trophy, except at the top of this one there were little bronze figures of people fucking. The Headline for the ad read: �Have the sex you tell your friends you have.� At this, I let out an audible �augh� and chucked the magazine across the room.

I used to LOVE to be titilated, I do still, I suppose, to some much lesser extent, but any more when I see a show like �Wild On� instead of finding it �stimulating� like I normally would, I find myself just resenting that I�m having all this sex flaunted at me, and I just get frustrated and resentfull. I find myself thinking �god damn, I feel like I�m about the only guy on the planet not getting laid.� Soon after that, of course, it hits me like cold water down the back of my shirt �Oh yeah, I AM about the only guy on the planet not getting laid.� At this point, I find myself just wanting to crawl into a hole� a VERY deep hole, and not come out anytime soon.

There is, of course, the tonic of supplementing my masturbatory habits by living vicariously through friends. This, in fact, is disastrous, because misery truly does love company. When you�re a guy who gets NO action, the LAST thing you want to hear is your best friend explain to you how he hasn�t gotten tired of sex with his girlfriend yet because she is �very orgasmic, and I know her pussy like the back of my hand!� Or, indeed, how his friend, the pilot back East, �just shagged an 18 year old.�

Then, of course, masturbation. Ah yes, our old friend. Your typical male gets over the �shame� of masturbation around 18 or 19, and while most still keep it a private affair, and would certainly dread getting caught doing it (except perhaps by one�s girlfriend), it is nonetheless preformed with a regularity that in many cases rivals or exceeds things like shaving and showering. Jerking off is great, don�t get me wrong, but even it loses it�s�luster, shall we say, and one�s enthusiasm for this ritual can quickly disippate if it is one�s only sexual outlet.

Funny thing about masturbation. My psychiatrist asked me many meetings ago about my �sex life.� I responded flatly �I don�t have one.� After a brief pause she asked �well, do you masturbate.� �Well, of course I do� I jerk off obsessively! I�m horny all the time. I never get laid, that�s the problem.� A few meetings after that, when discussing medication and possible side effects, she inquired about possible effects on the �sex life.� �I don�t have one,� I again flatly responded. �But I thought you said you were horny and masturbated all the time?� she asked. �Well, yeah, of course.� �Well, that�s a sex life,� she responded. I must have given her one of those looks people give when they think they�ve heard something so preposterous it defies explanation, but want to make sure that�s what they heard, because she continued �I have a pretty loose definition of a sex life.� �I guess,� I responded.

But the sex, or lack thereof, is really only half the story. Obviously, I haven�t had a lot of girlfriends, as one could reasonably deduce from the lack of sex. In fact, I�ve had NO girlfriends. Okay, I suppose there are a few otherwise �normal� � that is healthy, not unattractive, not severely twisted � 26 year-old guys out there who haven�t had any real girlfriends. Sure, they�ve managed to get laid here and there with a few of the women they�ve dated. Well, okay, so I�ve never really �dated� anyone, so scratch that off the sex source list. Okay, there�s got to be at least ONE time you got some chick from a bar, nightclub, or party home and got at LEAST a blowjob. Well, Damn, can�t say I�ve gotten There either. So that means� I mean, you�re a� Yep, that�s what it means!

Yes, folks, the other half of the �lack of sex� story is ostensibly the �lack of women� story. I don�t even want to go there right now.